Dear Virginia: I’ve got very bad news.
Your little friends are right. You’ve been suckered into one of the oldest political rackets that’s ever plagued humanity: Give to the rich and it will trickle down to the poor, giving you and your little-guy pals the greatest Christmas present you’ve ever had in your life.
You see, Virginia, your whiny progressive friends were trying to keep you from falling for the Republican Tax Scam. Look around you in class today, Virginia. If there are 20 people in your class, you and five others believe that President Santa Fraud will be bringing all the hard-working little girls and boys big raises and bonuses at work, or amazing, new, high-paying jobs, all because he’s going to give corporations and rich people tons of money, and that’s how the world works.
This time of year, it’s call Who-Doo Economics. Later this year you’re mommy and daddy will call it a load of crap, and you will, too, some day.
Here’s how the scam works. You believe that Congressional Republicans and Santa Fraud are creating this massive tax-reform plan to mostly help out struggling middle-class families like your own, because it would make sense to do that. Flat wages, lost jobs and rising costs against fabulous corporate profits have made a lot of Americans very grumpy. You and your little pals want to believe what Santa Fraud and Republicans are saying because your dreary world would collapse if you realized they’re actually just sucking up to campaign contributors or that Santa Fraud lied about all this, too.
You see, Virginia, it’s like this. Santa Fraud and all his little GOP shills at the North Pole Country Club and House of Representatives are going to take out the biggest loan anyone ever heard of. They’re going to borrow at least $1.5 trillion so they can buy Christmas presents and better polling numbers this year. Santa Fraud believes that when everybody gets their Christmas presents, they’ll be so excited that they’ll start coughing up money, lots of money. All Americans, but especially the rich ones, will be sneezing money, pooping money and sweating money all over the country. They’ll have so much money that they’ll even give some to your family, unless they’re teachers or grad students, then you get GOP poop, but no money. So Santa Fraud and you and your other five friends believe that there will be so much money generated by all the excitement around this greatest Christmas present of all time, that you’ll box more of it up than ever and send it to the United States treasury.
Here’s what you don’t know, you sad little sap. You’re gonna get a present from Santa Fraud alright. Families like yours will get to go to the Dollar Tree and pick out any one thing you want. Anything in the store is yours* (*One gift per person. This offer is limited. Some exclusions apply.) Your little friend who lives on the right side of the tracks, you know the kid I’m talking about, he and his family get Christmas presents, too, because that’s only fair. But his family can go to House of Bijan and choose something that speaks to them. That way, the GOP tax plan is equal for all Americans: presents for you and the other middle-class workers, and presents for the rich people, who’ve been struggling just like you have, kind of. Santa Fraud and congressional Republicans need you to understand, Virginia, that some taxpayers are more equal than others.
So here’s the bad news, Virginia. People don’t really poop money, put it in a box and send it to the U.S. treasury. Economists know that. Scientists know that. Most of the kids in your class know that. But Santa Fraud exists because you believe it. In the real world, any money that people get, they keep it for themselves. That’s just the way people are. Being middle class, you really can’t understand this because you really don’t have any money.
Let’s say Amazon left a box of pork chops on your porch. Lots of pork chops. Would your mommy or daddy fix some for dinner and then stand on the front porch and give all those extra pork chops away to strangers? Of course not! And do you know where all those pork chops come from in Washington? Lobbyists for rich people and corporations. So Santa Fraud wants your mommy and daddy to take their lucky box of pork chops and shut the hell up!
Finally, here’s the bad, bad news. When the grinches at the U.S. treasury realize in a couple of years that nobody is sending all their money in like Santa Fraud had promised they would, things are going to get ugly. You see, Virginia, there really is no free or reduced lunch these days. You’re going to have to give those pork chops and your Dollar Tree gift back. Sorry, but’s that’s just the way things are now.
There are, however, no returns at the House of Bijan, according to the GOP tax plan. And the first job of government won’t be making sure you have a place to live or can see a doctor when you’re sick. This is capitalism, my dear, and you and your family should have thought about all this when you chose a major in college or decided to be black or female. Santa Fraud has made America great again. Enjoy it.
Ah, Virginia. No Santa Fraud? He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and tweets morning, noon and in the middle of the night. Your neighbors probably voted for him, too. And a thousand years from now, you and your family will be paying off this year’s Christmas extravaganza for that rich kid in your class. So rather than sit in school complaining and writing letters to me, you’d better get a job.
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