PERRY: I’m a political juvenile delinquent, but McNulty, McConnell and Rubio are creepy jerks

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What a battle. Despite Obama and local Democrats declaring a victory in the war on our senses during the longest election and TV campaign season in the entire universe, the smoke has yet to clear.

I consider myself a reasonably grown-up middle-aged guy. Reasonably being a relative state when it comes to newspaper types.

But I lose all sense of adultness when it comes to skanky political tricks and gaffes, and our government is rife with them on all levels these days.

I still have a difficult time saying enough bad about the soon-to-be-former state House Speaker Frank McNulty of Highlands Ranch, Douglas County and The Moon. At the end of the last legislative session he creepily thwarted the will of all Coloradans, his own party members and any sense of decency by cheating fair play and killing a civil unions bill — twice. It was a repulsive, stupid maneuver that made it clear what a loathsome human and legislator McNulty is. The ill-fated bill was a compromise among all sides to allow for civil unions for Colorado gays, since gay marriage is not legal here. Yet. As fate and providence would have it, the Democrats took control of the state House on Election Day. And the next guy in charge of the House will be the state’s first openly gay House speaker.

Ha ha.

Colorado’s hardly alone in elevated jerkdom. Despite the majority of Americans thumping Team Romney on the nose as he tried to manipulate his way into the White House instead of win an election, a cabal of odious, whiny Republicans continue to plot their way to subversion. Led by Sen. Mitch McConnell — a statement I see as bizarrely oxymoronic — fellow Republicans from the upper House are planning their next several hundred filibusters in hopes of getting their way for the sake of getting their way.

Here’s where I no longer pretend to be a mature, responsible person. I’ve had it with that mob of sinister Republican bullies pretending to be honorable and principled leaders when in reality they’re lying, sniveling creeps who would cheat their own mothers out of whatever it took  to get their way. I know how shallow and immature I sound when I say that McConnell is the biggest iniquitous, chinless, spineless, drooling sack of clammy skin ever to haunt the Capitol. He’s just gross to look at, to listen to and to suffer through.

OK. Now I’m better. Thankfully, that situation, too, will likely be rectified as Democrats and a handful of reasonable Republicans will use special, first-day Senate rules to reel in filibuster abuse and feed McConnell and Co. a shovel or two of their own political excrement. Ha ha.

And no irresponsible rant about distasteful politics would be complete without noting the much ballyhooed and suddenly evaporated political career of Florida Sen. Marco Rubio.

Rubio, the anointed “crown prince” of the Tea Party, whatever that means and whoever those people really are, imploded in a story published last week by GQ magazine.

During that interview, the writer asked Rubio how old he thought the Earth was, pointing toward the never-ending and rousingly unnerving creationism controversy. Rubio politically piddled on himself by trying not to anger the dolts in the Tea Party, and those all over the country, who stand behind creationism. He was at the same time trying to make it sound like he isn’t as slobbering and eye-rollingly dumb as a bucket of hair. So, Rubio said creationism is debatable.

Ha ha.

Dude, even the Pope doesn’t believe in creationism. It has less scientific merit than astrology and phrenology. What made this moment so tasty to the thinking world is not only Rubio’s howlingly funny response, but the reaction from the aluminum-foil-helmet brigade. It was another media conspiracy, the Fox Newsers insist, to discredit the right. Right. It was the ultimate in “gotcha journalism.”

Oh, please. This was just low-hanging fruit. If Rubio is too much a coward to stand behind science when political, fruitcake religious nuts “believe” otherwise, that’s his problem. Don’t shoot the messengers. This is flat-earth junk that any high-school newspaper would be tempted by. There’s a whole world of devout Christians of all denominations that understand what the scientific method means to humanity, and that Earth really is 4.5 billion years old. If Rubio is this much of milksop when GQ comes calling, he needs to stick to issues he’s comfortable with. I’m sure he has a bright political future in Kansas, but he needs to leave the big-boy politics to the big boys and girls.

 

Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]