PERRY: I see LaPierre in drag next year hoping for sympathy

I’ve become a gray-haired old man writing about this amusing and aggravating planet while sitting at the keyboards of typewriters, computers and tablets. While I’ve not entered the realm of elderly sage, yet, I feel at the end of almost every news day that I’m pushing the geezer envelope. So many stories and so much time scrutinizing them, however, has brought be not only clarity on human beings but clairvoyance.

I easily predicted that the world would not end again, and I also made the right call in telling my friends that the price of gasoline would continue to go up and down without making a bit of sense to anyone.

So given my obvious gift as being a seer, here’s what I’m positive you can expect by the end of next year:

City officials will have an epiphany in January, discovering that Aurora has discovered its trademark travel troubles are over. Aurora has struggled for years with boondoggles like Sci-Fi land, The Gaylord Hotel and Death Starium, and the Debbie Reynolds Museum to land some big reason to become a big magnet for tourists. This is it, folks: Hookah Heaven on Havana. City officials will commission a panel to find a way to save the forlorn Fan-Fair building on Havana Street and turn it into a giant marijuana hookah bar and Hostess pastry emporium. The building will be repainted to look like a package of Hostess SnoBalls. It will be the only city-commissioned public dope depot catering to the state’s newfound love for all things high. Besides offering more than 50 strains of marijuana and assorted hookah water flavors, chefs from all over the country will be invited to create a wide range of savory and dessert innovations all using Fritos, Hostess Ding Dongs, Twinkies and Suzie Qs as the base ingredients.  Billboards will spring up all over the country depicting various city council members posing with puffed cheeks, hookahs and Ho Ho hors d’oeuvres while lying back on bean-bags, enjoying the endless Laserium that dances across the inside of the marshmallow ceiling from Heaven on Havana. The marketing hook? “Aurora, Higher than Denver” or “Aurora: We’re Smokin’ Haute.”

I’m also certain that the “shocker” for 2013 will come from the National Rifle Association when Wayne LaPierre announces in early February that he will undergo sex-reassignment surgery. The stunt will be a last-ditch effort to regain at least some public appeal after the NRA completely alienates mainstream Americans with a seemingly endless list of nutty ways to reduce gun violence in the country. The end of the NRA started in December when LaPierre suggested that the reason why so many Americans are dying in mass gun-slaughters was because people here watch so much violent TV and play violent video games. After the world pointed out to him that everyone across the planet watches the same stuff, and exhaustive studies beginning in the 1990s repeatedly showed no correlation between media violence and murderous behavior, LaPierre went back to another NRA favorite: insisting that gunning-up kids, teachers and cops in every school, nay, every classroom, will make for a better planet. LaPierre will suffer a hilarious, public on-camera tantrum and crying spell in early January, prompted by cost estimates that will shoot down the NRA plan for arming the nation’s 150,000 schools. His and Clint Eastwood’s plan to “Take Back The Lunchroom” will be an even bigger failure. It’ll turn out that the last ones Americans want to send into public schools are the Dead-Eye Gander Gang from the NRA, even the ones with most of their teeth. When a General Accounting Office study reveals that a mental competency test for gun ownership would decimate the NRA armed ranks, LaPierre will be sedated for several days after insisting that drones be introduced into all public schools, malls and theaters to take out a gunman in a moment’s notice. After Eastwood shoots an empty chair live on Fox News, LaPierre will go into seclusion for a week or so, re-emerging with a plan to change his sex and call himself “Annie.” The NRA will spend billions producing a wide variety of western musical revivals, most of them staring LaPierre. After winning a Tony, LaPierre himself will come out against military-gun ownership rights, and a Daisy Air Rifle will be minted in his honor.

I  may have exaggerated a bit here, but I’m sure as hell about everything before the air-rifle acclaim.

Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com