Dear CIA/NSA spook in my iPhone,
I feel like I need to explain a few things that I’m worried might be taken out of context in your office in Washington, or Punjab, if the CIA has — like everyone else — outsourced your stuff. If you’re in Punjab, I’ll type louder.
I feel kind of silly doing this, but after the news yesterday from Wikileaks that y’all are snooping on everyone through our TVs and cell phones, I started thinking about what you might have seen and heard.
Unlike so many politicians and celebrities, most of us don’t want the world to know our little eccentricities.
I don’t know if I have a smart TV. I know it outsmarts me. That’s why I had a kid. I wonder if you’ve had to stare at me gaping at the TV and snorting uncontrollably at the same three Melissa McCarthy movies I watch repeatedly. If you have seen me, I want you to know I don’t dress like that when I leave the house. By the way, I wasn’t hiding the last Reese’s peanut butter cup behind the couch cushion last fall after Halloween, I was just keeping it there so it didn’t melt. I’d appreciate it if we could keep that just between us.
All that stuff I said about President Trump while watching the debates, I was only kidding. I know there’s no way he can lodge things that large in his lower intestinal tract. It was a joke. Heh, heh.
As to my phone, I’m sure some of those texts sounded pretty odd. Let me explain. My pal, Reed, and I joke around a lot. Neither of us ever had any intention of actually waterboarding Trump with his own wine and a can of night-glow spray paint. Hell, we don’t even have that waterboard table any more.
About that Slap Ted Cruz ‘Til He Cries app on my phone. My daughter put that on there. I only played with it a few dozen times. The rest were people who just picked up my phone in the newsroom, I think.
All those Google searches about “What is today?” and “What time is it?” I just couldn’t read the date on my phone.
Regarding all those videos of dogs pooping? Evidence for when I turn my neighborhood scofflaws into police.
The numerous queries about itching? I was asking for a friend. Same with those searches for how to get un-high when you’ve smoked too much pot. And, no, I did not actually try drinking cayenne coffee. I was just curious about what the side effects of that would have been had I actually tried it.
Also, I know there are no exercises to make all those body parts bigger, I was just wondering what some people believed.
You should probably know that, as to all those pictures of run-over animals, I have a friend who studies road kill as kind of a personal project. Somebody else put all those props on the little squirrel corpses. Honest. Except the one with the Snickers bar wrapper.
And, Mr. or Ms. Spook, you gotta believe me that the Daddy Digs It Yeah, Yeah Yeah playlist was a joke planted there by my kid. I know who Nickelback is, but I’ve never listened to him. Same with all those Abba and Justin Bieber tracks.
Most important, if you’ve been listening to my conversations, I’d appreciate some advance warning if that stuff is going to be made public or end up on Wikileaks. Sometimes, when I’m in a hurry and I say somebody, like my wife, is an absolute raging “stitch” it sounds like something else. I’d like you to correct that.
But the selfies of me with the Scotch tape and giant, green, stuffed Spanish olives? I got nothing.
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