PERRY: After Trump’s first 100 days, just how much greater does America have to get?


I hope you’ve sent your thank-you note to President Donald Trump.

What are you waiting for? Just like he promised, as his 100th day in office approaches, we’re all richer, safer, more liberated and free of debt.

What? You didn’t get a big fat raise along with everyone else in America? You must be the only one because the president has been tweeting and twerking almost daily that how big companies are so excited about a Trump presidency, based on the magnificent job he’s done so far, that they’re hiring people by the hundreds of thousands. Raises are being flung to every card-carrying, Christian American at unprecedented levels.

These are the good ol’ days at last.

Surely you heard it from Trump himself as he talked through and around the lying mainstream media.

After decades of hand-wringing over immigration woes in the United States, Trump did just like he promised and solved the perplexing issue in just hours after being sworn in.

There are millions of high-paying jobs at American fast-food restaurants, meat packing plants, custodial services and on billions of acres of farmland just waiting to be picked. We just didn’t know about them. More of those jobs are opening up because the illegal immigrants who have been hogging those precious posts now know the Obama gravy train has left the station. No more free education for non-English speaking kids. Threatened crack-downs and round-ups have got immigrants pulling their kids out of schools for fear of deportation. We’ll be saving thousands in education dollars any day now, even though we will spends thousands times more dealing with a new wave of uneducated and undereducated Americans, who saddle taxpayers with all kinds of costs for their  entire lives.

But not today. The very threat of the Trump Wall along the Mexican border has been enough to easily help force possibly dozens of the nation’s 11 million or so illegal immigrants out of the country. There’s no doubt that Trump’s plan to cut environmental protection services, money for disease control and public television and divert your tax dollars to pay for the wall has also prompted immigrants to think about packing it up. They don’t want their tax dollars wasted on such a massive and useless boondoggle either. Winning!

Don’t worry, Trump’s going to take care of the last few welfare queens  and kings soon enough. It’s just a slight delay after Republicans realized that tens of millions of their base across the South and the Rust Belt depend on government handouts, too. Once they figure out a way to keep those pesky freeloaders from voting them out like they did the whiny Texas minorities and liberals, Congress will be sending them all a pair of red-white-and-blue bootstraps parting gifts.

America is being made great again already. I don’t know about you, but I’m living high now that my health insurance rates look like they’re going to plummet just like Trump and Republican leaders promised they would. Once the last, few remaining moderates get out of the way of cutting out all those people who made bad choices about being poor,sick or old, it will be deals to be had.

And I’m definitely safer now. Other than the 10,000 or so shooting deaths committed by Americans on fellow Americans so far this year, we’re all safer now that Trump is president, just like he says we are. Sure there’ve been the usual handful of terrorist activities here in the United States, but thankfully, those hateful acts have been good, Christian Americans terrorizing Muslims and other minorities. Progress!

And after years and years of presidents Bush and Obama wringing their hands over how to calm the Middle East , Trump solved the problem fast, just like he promised.

He bombed the hell out of the terrorists hiding out in no-where Pakistan, unleashing the Mother of All Bombs at the mother of all discounts and wiping out 30-40 real, live bad hombres. And the bomb didn’t cost more than $16 million. That’s barely a half-million dollars per hombre. It was an effective bargain just like last week when Trump bombed the Syrian government by launching 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles at a Syrian military airstrip, closing it for several hours. It didn’t cost too much more than $60 million or so to do it. The art of the deal, folks.

And the crazy North Koreans? So scared of Trump they only fired one missile toward Japan over the weekend. And Russia hasn’t invaded anybody this week. Not one single country.

Things are better all over. Now that coal is back under Trump, miners will be working there for what’s left of their entire lives, and they can thank Trump for that. Never mind that nobody in the United States wants to buy coal anymore since renewable energies and  natural gas is infinitely cleaner and now cheaper. It probably won’t be for a few years, but Russia might like to have to have that coal. Hang on just a while longer. Good jobs at Arby’s while you wait.

And Trump himself is helping to make America greater all around. He’s generously donated his presidential paycheck, almost $80,000, to the federal parks service. Sure, that’s nothing compared to the tens of millions of dollars taxpayers have had to shell out to buy limos and hotels for Trump’s kids, no, not the ones on the government payroll, and Trump’s commuting and security costs for every weekend in Florida. But only the whiny Hillary bots complain. Fans know that with Trump, it’s the thought that counts.

So if you’re skeptical about what Trump says and how things really are, jump on in. The Kool-Aid’s fine.

Follow @EditorDavePerry on Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]