QUID HAS HEARD that the fourth is not so strong with Colorado gubernatorial dreamer Walker Stapleton. Seems that Colorado’s two-term state treasurer is trying to make sure GOP voters know just how sturdy his allegiance is to this odd square state. Stapleton not only boasts on his website the requisite fourteener and family shots in denim — Stapleton has a history. Perhaps, your affiant points out, it’s not the history he actually claims or wants to flaunt. “Walker is a fourth-generation Coloradan,” he claims in his campaign propaganda. Your’s truly hits the buzzer on that one. While he can claim he is the ancestor of a pretty famous Coloradan, four generations past, his real hometown, Greenwich, Conn. claims him, too, and loves him best. “While several town residents were vying for statewide office in Connecticut Tuesday night, a Greenwich native was eking out a narrow victory against his primary foe in Colorado,” a scribe for Greenwich Time wrote in August 2010 after Stapleton won his GOP primary. The story goes on to say how his mum, Debbie Walker Stapleton, second cuz of Dubya Bush, couldn’t say enough good about her son, Walker, a proud graduate of the Greenwich Brunswick School and other assorted New England colleges and universities, including — get out your Thurston Howell III voice now — Harvard. “She said her son used to spend winter, summer and spring vacations every year at the Denver home of his grandmother, Katie Stapleton.” That would be the Stapleton with serious Colorado roots, reaching back to Depression Era Denver Mayor Ben Stapleton. Colorado Ben hailed from Kentucky and is the very same famous Stapleton honored by having an international airport-cum-Gen-X-warren named after him. Old Ben Stapleton’s fame has grown white-hot again after being history-shamed recently because of his well-documented career as a high-ranking member of the KKK, which propelled him to Denver City Hall and infamy, all of which seems to be missing from Walker’s extensive biography.
AND QUID HAS HEARD that Cherry Creek Schools flunks school nominating. Seems that the greatest school district in the world has had ample opportunity over the decades to create school monikers that match its repute. Cherry Creek is the Starbucks of the metro-area, with one opening up more often than preznit Trump congratulates himself. But in all these years, and after all those schools, students must collect diplomas from institutions with labels like Sunrise, Grandview and Prairie. Yawn. In keeping with tradition, the district’s newest elementary school will be dubbed “Altitude” and the new middle school shalt be called “Infinity.” Allow your tired hack to start the jokes here about how high those Altitude kids are and how Infinity Middle School seems to last forever. What are their mascots going to be? Altitude Nimbostratus? The Infiniti Lemniscates? You can imagine what the naming committee calls their pets at home: “Pant,” “Meowser,” “Pant,” and “Scratch.”
AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS